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A sick feeling started in my stomach and crept, slowly, up into my throat. There were so many names. Each with only a few months worth of signatures. I was definitely about to get fired. H2: The boss you have nightmares aboutIt was my first job out of college. A job I had wanted only to be able to live (and play) in New York City with my friends. This is not lost on me. But hey Reader, I was only 22. My boss was a (much less stylish) Miranda Priestly-type, who seemed to truly enjoy making me look like an idiot. Here I was, a college graduate with decent street smarts for an upstate NY girl, feeling INCOMPETENT several times a day. If I asked questions, any questions, it was met with a deep sigh and little help in return. I would sit in my little corner cubicle, wasting an inordinate amount of time simply because I didn’t know what to do, and I sure as hell wasn’t asking her.
H2: WTF did I want to do?In my last year of college, while many friends knew exactly what they would pursue upon graduating, I still had no idea. Well…that’s not entirely true. I knew I wanted write. And, I had no idea how to make that happen in a real way. I remember friends ribbing me a little, “what are you going to do, sit under a palm tree and write poems?” (Yes, I thought, yes—that sounds perfect, actually. TBH, Reader, still does .) While my dual “dreams” of being able to write whatever I wanted, and also to live by the beach have still not quite come true, I am way closer than I ever thought I’d be. (Not to the beach, but there’s time for that.) H2: The discoveryI had almost made it a whole year in the world’s worst marketing assistant job. Every Sunday—All Day Sunday— I found myself in deep discomfort, wanting to do anything other than return to that office the next day. I wasn’t familiar with my body’s warning signals and didn’t really talk to anyone about what I was feeling. (I know Reader, but at 22, we don’t all understand that emotional peace and calm are our birthright). And then, one afternoon towards the end of end May, I made a DISCOVERY. As the assistant, I made all travel arrangements and did a lot of events preparation and I was required to sign off on everything. As I flipped back through previous records, I noticed the name and signature of the assistant would change every few months. Until I was hired. A sick feeling started in my stomach and crept towards my throat. What happened next was unexpected, though. My dread dissipated as I slowly realized: IT’S NOT ME. IT’S HER. After months of feeling like a failure, of thinking to myself: How is it possible that I am so incompetent that I can’t even handle an assistant’s job? How did I graduate college? I realized: she doesn’t like anyone. She hires people, uses them up and then disposes of them. I’ve just allowed myself to be stagnant here for longer than most. I immediately knew what I need to do. I still wasn’t sure exactly I was supposed to be doing for work, but I sure as hell knew it wasn’t this. And my emotional well being had taken a major hit. So I quit. Climbing the Mountain of LifeI wish I could say that this was the one and only time I needed to learned this lesson. That I learned how to listen deeply to myself and was never in this position again. But alas, learning isn’t always linear, and growth often looks like: same view, different perspective. Switchbacks up a mountain rather than a path that cuts through the trees. I am still on this path. Learning from my experiences. Honing my intuition and ability to listen to my heart and my gut with less doubt and resistance and more curiosity and trust. Have you ever felt this way? That you thought you learned something only to discover that there you were again, with a slightly different take and maybe a little more trust? Hit reply. I’d love to hear your stories! The 4×1
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